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,telling him to be home, telling him to do this or do that, then he can continue to think shes doing this, shes making me feel this way. Just know for now you need to get yourself away from his infidelity that will save your sanity. Nothing changed. I wasnt clear on thatsorry. Im not sure what Im going to do about this.. Remember that as a kid? I guess all I can do is work on ME and try to be the best place for him to be! In any event I always try to be positive and hope things turn around. Theyre in the affair, and they think theyre in love, and theyre going to have the other person no matter what, and they dont care. Your confrontation with him was to try and get your M off life support. For a stupid infatuation. Am I staying in bed too long in the morning with him? If you dont mind I have a question: Love you but not in love and all the crap the cheater tells you. I know I went into a type of shock the day I stumbled onto my husbands EA. I was probably like his mom, esp in the last few years. Its much easier when he is apologizing and texting me and seems remorseful. I dont want him to look at us living together as roomates, but right now when were not working on us, thats basically what we are. after 9-11 when people went to wok and did not come home you would THINK he would get it. You know he is unreliable. Wow! A doctor will be able to assess if you are a candidate for For the same of this marriage I plead to give at least a year, but nothing is improving, after 5 months past, & at the same time, their relationship is growing stronger & more stronger. c. You also tell him that you have noticed that the two of you are on two different paths. First my H proved he was being honest and transparent. Instead of feeling satisfied, however, he felt trapped. Yet he did nothing towards trying to restore the M. He would be nice here and there but then cold, distant and non-communicative other times. And sooner or later you will decide what you choose to do. Unfortunately I, like you, and everyone here knows what it is like to be blindsided by an affair. Then he went on again to say he would be out of the house asap and asked how we will go about scheduling the baby. We also had a discussion a while back on how to get the cheating spouse out of the affair fog, and quite a few BS chimed in as to what worked or didnt work in their own situations. You tell him you know he is lying and that you are expecting this conversation to be honest and truthful. If I had that knowledge on D-day, I might have behaved differently but then again the SHOCK OF DISCOVERY is overwhelming. Desesperate Marriages can be ruined by cheating. What is 'affair fog'? - USA They dont want our help (or anyone elses help). I have always been the most important person to him, I know he has loved me more than he loved ANYONE in his life, like I was just the one thing that really mattered, and now I feel like I dont matter and im so confused by that. Then she set her sights on my husband and he was totally infatuated. But he did end up staying the night on the couch. You have every right to decide what YOUR life should look like. It reminds me of when he was first seeing OW, he would do ANYTHING to be out of the house and away from me, even if it wasnt to see her. Good for you for standing up to him. Eleanor Roosevelt once said No one can make you feel inferior without your permission Work on getting stronger. Stop trying to fix it or him. This is about you and your M and his choices and behavior. If thats what he wants then he should go have it, bc I know im better than all of it. Trying to help them. Continue trying to do your own thing. He makes sly comments sometimes. And now during the Christmas season it is in my face as the second DDay was 12/2. How convenient for him. Learn how your comment data is processed. in the comment section below. I heard from my H of 25 years that he told me I only married him to spite my parents. This will never work. I appreciate it more than you know, as much as it terrifies me to read that you think I need a lawyer, etc. They have court up once and spent the night together but didt have sex. Midlife Crisis: What the Feelings Mean and How to Overcome They usually come to realize every person has faults and they just You understand that he has made this choice, but unfortunately it is not OK with you. I do think its a positive thing that he chooses to come home every night, but I hate that he sleeps on the couch, and i hate that he comes home so late some nights. It is such a neat (I know some wont like that word choice) experience to feel how messed up my thinking was. But at night when were hanging out, it feels okay. Talked to a coach on the phone from this outfit 3 months after the workshop, and when asked if we wanted to save our marriage, I responded a resounding Yes! H..I dont know. It blew my mind. Web**Depression is present throughout the mid-life crisis until the first phase of the final stage of Acceptance, where he would go through his second awakening-where the veil of the Take care of yourself first. You cant have your husband cheating plus calling all the shots!! She is such a good person he would say to me. First wife you give such excellent advice! He is manipulating you (like my H did to me). The fog was so thick. You get to the point if no one cares b/c you dont. Is there a way to contact you directly via email? You have tried. Um, no, your actions turned your kids against you. It is a nightmare that keeps reoccurring. Dont play his game. I begged pleaded discussed etc. I have explained to him that I feel like he no longer respects me, which he says is absolutely not true, but actions speak louder than words. Continue to work on yourself both mentally and physically and prepare for the long road ahead and for the possibility that the relationship wont make it. We continued on but his trust issues just went out of control and I resent him everytime he thinks im cheating and everytime he accuses me of cheating, it drives me to go cheat. Dont we wish we could go back and have a do over. Get control over your life and let him see a stronger you. At least you are not having yelling and screaming matches daily (not good for the baby or you). He would be the VERY LAST guy you would suspect!!! I do know these things. Its her or me. I became my mother. And 99% of that mentoring time is spent with betrayed spouses (usually female). At DDay2 I realized I was a doormat and since for the third time he wanted a D / I finally told him it was OK by me but I was D him. Im hoping that today and yesterday feel SO awful bc he is out of town and its just making me crazy, I am hoping once he is back in town I will not feel this horrible. I would not give him a divorce so easy. Doug: Or they get mad, and they get defensive. Selfish. I chose to REPEATEDLY try and try and try. NOTHING NOTHING NOTHING you do will push him away. And I laugh b/c he is controlling YOU but puts the blame on you. like you said, I cannot change him. I feel a tight pain in my chest, im finding it hard to breathe and I cannot focus. I need to STICK to the 180 and FULLY DO IT, It is just SO hard, Im so afraid of pushing him away by me pulling away, Im afraid that ill pull away and give him all this freedom and he will just take advantage and feel really great doing things without me. I did everything to make his life easy. He had just gotten his first smart phone in September, and I had stalled that as long as possible, as I had feared something like this. The issue w/ my H was he would tell me be home by 12 pm and show up at 3 am with no call or courtesy. My husband was always extremely faithful, and during my pregnancy he took a job in another city and would come home on weekends, etc. I had NO CLUE how a person could change in this way. When a persons eyes are opened, there is no going back. And there was nothing I could do. I could stay busy ALL the time, go be with my friends, when in reality, I want to be home with my baby. Maybe Im totally wrong. Not that it matters anyway. You are not giving him a pass or acting like nothing happened. They want to have fun, enjoy themselves, that AP is the fun and the spouse is work. He gets his head out of his butt and realizes what he has done. He is going out MUCH more lately, out until 2am, even though he will text me and say hes on his way home, and then not get home until hours later. And your H now may be sure this is what he wants. Continue banging your head against the wall to effect a change (maybe) OR not engage in the circus and move past his drama. BUT.writes he hasnt given up on us yet! Then he saw the OW again and I found out and made him leave. My H early on was hoping I would demand a D so he could be with the OW but not have any blame. Because he chose to stay M. No talking or therapy or pleading or crying had any impact unfortunately. DO NOT mention the A or EA or whatever he is doing. The year this was going on my H came home from a business trip and I am saying we can get past this and he is saying I dont want to be married to you anymore. Lunches everyday, hours of flirting, even when on vacation with us when I was pregnant with my first son. I think i was pushing her further it to his arms. You cannot tell your H to leave and not enforce it. They may think I caved. Your issues are more than just the A. I am not saying file just get an idea in case you need to file. These were all text messages he sent me, and I didnt respond to any for the rest of the day. Between the As (2) and the being constantly late (by hours and hours) I was a doormat. I am telling you this to help you avoid the six months of hell I put myself through thinking I knew my H well enough to fix the situation, end the A and reconcile. I would have done almost anything EXCEPT allow my H to openly date the OW, wait around while he made a decision in two months or allow him to blame me for the A. He said a TON of stuff, as did I. But then I think about the OW and its like everything comes crumbling down around me. I even thought about packing a bag and just running away from everything and everyone and starting afresh. I just cant figure out why Im regressing in my emotional state. He texted me and said he would be home in 15 mins. And then the behavior escalated and he was walking out the door. And if you reconcile I suggest a post nup as one of the conditions. Until I found out he lied and was still with the OW and telling her he was going to be with her. But sometimes we dont say much of anything and I usually do my own thing just trying to back off him. I dont know how this has happened. He clearly isnt worried enough about losing me to where he feels like he needs to make a change. Doug: Youre saying thats something you shouldnt have done? Stay. Trying to get someone to see the mistakes they are making. Hold your head up and be strong. We would be more intimate. I was in your position but my H had affsir fog for 6 months and was going to leave me. I didnt want to talk about it. I wish he had any idea how this feels. But no matter what you do his decisions are his own choices and he cannot blame you for any thing that happens as a result of his cheating. The coach tells my H, not many women would put up with H still working with OW (YeaIm a patsy ). Hes very quiet and doesnt share much with me, so.. From his actions the last few months it appears as though you were headed to this point anyway. Im saying you change by re-defining your marriage. He eventually cut her off and I went back to him (well after falling off the deep end, booze drugs, sex and even tried out a relationship). I dont want a husband like this. I know I am a good wife, I know he has loved me TO DEATH until all of this, I know this OW in reality does not hold a candle to me. I want SO BADLY to do this 180, I have moments of such confidence where I feel like im going to be fine no matter what, and then I have such moments of sadness where I feel like this is just the worst situation and will never get better and that if I feel this bad then he must too and must think our life at home is miserable, etc. Unless he wants to change which he doesnt think he has a problem so he is not going to you have a choice. And he said in it that a man having an affair can fall back in love with his life, but it doesnt depend on how good his relationship is with the other woman, it depends on how good his relationship is with his wife. Sometimes when he says things to me, theyre so horrible, I literally sit there silent and wonder WHAT AM I DOING? Only coming up to two months knowing each other all moved super fast . the last 5 weeks i have tried every thing to get her back. I have no friends or family no job since he never allow me to and with the pandemic lock down I havent had any luck. So DDay2 I told him I was D him b/c I could no longer live with him cheating. You acknowledge when he is lying to you. He was still cheating. I feel like if I just let go he will come around and wake up and see what hes losing. I want a family life that he used to want and he no longer wants that. I got the baby in the stroller and I went for a run. Just know you cannot change him. And sometimes I feel like when all is said and done, he is going to finally see this for what it is and see how WRONG this affair was and how much he has disrespected me. You have a good head on your shoulder and remember your daughter needs her mother because you are the stability in her life. its crazy bc I know him so well, to think he doesnt care seems almost ridiculous for me to say, but when you look at their actions, clearly he doesnt care. He answer negatives, so I guess Ill cling to that! And that week he just seemed to be so distraught, texting me non stop, telling me how scared he was about everything, how hes not ready to divorce, etc. When you become less available you may see a change. Hold your head up and be the best mom and person you can be. Almost 3 years later I make sure I am in control of my happiness. I was very calm and rational. I do get kind of afraid he is convincing himself im speaking to another man and then he will just get deeper and deeper with OW, or other WOMEN, but I guess thats also something i shouldnt worry about.